Soul's Pain

Today the full weight of the pain my heart feels came crashing down on me. I have hurt my partner, and she has hurt me. I can't tell her my hurt for fear of hurting her more. My heart is broken, only a feeling of despair, helplessness, lost, not having any direction, not knowing what to do or who I am. I have realized today that my actions over the past months have been the sole result of being hurt. I have struck out because of the pain I feel. I have been wrong in my reaction, but it is due to the pain. I can't get away from the pain. God it hurts to read enduring things your partner says to another that she has never said to you. I am being punished for my past life. I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused, but it is too little too late. The below poem says it better than I.

Soul's Pain - By JanJaap van den Hurk

Dazed
Confused
A sense of trouble
A touch of pain
Tainted by despair

I cry out
Lost in conflicting emotions
Breaking my rule
Almost desperate
I search for the eye

Hurt
Somewhere inside
A dark, blood coloured, pain
Evoking a burning grief
Choking my thoughts

Mist
Clouding vision
A tear paints lightly
A trace of moisture
Upon my burning cheek

Light
A new day
Will I follow another sun
Or will I struggle
In what looks a sun's dying light

I feel
Like dying inside
Yet am I to blame you
Am I overreacting
Or for feeling the coming pain

Only time
Can I trust it
I'll die without action
But where do I go
When darkness stalks all around

Can't hide
Turn away
I must make decisions
But so afraid
They'll tear down my soul

Darkness
Is closing
Uncertainty has me in it's fangs
I try to fight it
But the question remains

My heart
Adrift in a storm
I feel the light
Smell the rolling thunder
And hear the empty cold

Hope flickering
Desperately faint
You speak but words
That are, forever changing
Without showing truth

Balance
Fading silently
As if I tumble
A leaf in a storm
Carried on by uncertainty

Frustration
Jealousy
Not sure of either
It's tearing me apart
Alienation lurking

Hope
Despair
I don't know
Where am I going
Just what has been

I'm lost
Where now
Am I to keep trust in you
Or take my heart and leave
It hurts, either way I go

Can't face
Disillusion
Not sure if it's here
Real pain threatening
Or a challenge of faith

Faith
I said
I had in you
But why then, does it hurt
All that is happening now

Garza