Progress...
As some of you know I have been going through a process to address myself and the issues I have. It has been six weeks since I began this process, but I reached the point a little over three weeks ago where I finally became totally honest with myself. Since then I have made some progress. Last night I was finally able to admit to my wife that I have abused her. Yes abuse. I spent the first twenty years of our marriage controlling everything in regards to her. I bullied her, I threatened her, and did whatever I thought was necessary to force her to stay with me. This is abuse. Even though I stopped this abuse a number of years ago I had never acknowledged what I had done. I told her I was sorry, but without accepting responsibility for my actions, these were just hollow words. I now know that and have taken responsibility for my actions. I have finally forgiven myself and I am now beginning to like myself. By being able to do this, I had the courage to explain my actions to her in a way she could understand. I had never done this before. I always laid the blame at someone else's feet. Mostly I blamed my parents and my childhood environment. But I finally realized that we cannot blame others for our actions. We can blame others for not providing us a healthy environment when we were not adults, but when we become adults we must take responsibility for our own actions. I finally did this. I now do not understand why it has taken me 30 years to do so.
I respect and admire my wife more than any person I have every known or read about. After all of my threats, belittlement, and abusive actions, she had enough love left to forgive me. She touched my soul yet again. I was not even expecting it which made it more precious to me.
We have both agreed to continue to work on our relationship. I am determined to resolve my issues, learn to love myself, and by doing this I can finally love her the way she deserves. I want her to be totally happy. She deserves this. I have never met a kinder or more compassionate person. I have told her that if things do not work out between us, I want her to find happiness, even if it is not with me. I will never cause her any more pain. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
Quote of the day:
Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life. – Smiley Blanton
Garza
I respect and admire my wife more than any person I have every known or read about. After all of my threats, belittlement, and abusive actions, she had enough love left to forgive me. She touched my soul yet again. I was not even expecting it which made it more precious to me.
We have both agreed to continue to work on our relationship. I am determined to resolve my issues, learn to love myself, and by doing this I can finally love her the way she deserves. I want her to be totally happy. She deserves this. I have never met a kinder or more compassionate person. I have told her that if things do not work out between us, I want her to find happiness, even if it is not with me. I will never cause her any more pain. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
Quote of the day:
Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life. – Smiley Blanton
Garza
posted by Garza at 7:28 AM
3 Comments:
Oh Garza.. What a wonderful Posting. You have brought a smile to my face and heart. You are right when a woman can forgive such things there is a deeper love there .. a union of the hearts, minds, soul, body. My husband has hurt me twice.. (in emotional and physical betrayl).. I do believe in change. And he has. I have forgiven him. And with forgiveness.. you can be happy. Yes. Learn to fogive yourself for we are human and mistakes are expected. I am so proud of you and to see this. I hope you keep posting although youve made progress.
xoxoxox-
Lady
Dear Garza, Thank you for visiting my blog and for your comment. I'm a bit older than you but there seems to be several parallels between our lives. I also have had a career in the computer services industry and at this down point in my career (a story in itself) I have plenty of time to speak through my blog. Some major differences are that I always have loved myself. After spending 26 years in a insensitive marriage where we had evolved to separate lives, in 1998 I met my soul mate on the internet and having been living a life of bliss every since. You seem to be asking yourself many questions that I think I have answered for myself. Good luck on your journey and e-mail me at rockyraccoon4@yahoo.com if care to. Please check back on my blog from time to time. Although I am not doing it for anyone except myself, it is nice to know others are reading it.
Rocky
Hiya Garza,
Lifes' journeys lead to strange places. Sometimes you need a guide. I have gotten excellent help from mental health professionals. Something to consider.....Keep smilin' it keeps everyone guessing....
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