Friend vs. Spouse

Today I am exploring my feelings about friends and my spouse. Questions I am asking: Are there different types of friends? Are all friends to be treated equally, and are friends supposed to be as close or viewed as being on the same level as a spouse, and can you cross the line? If so, what are the consequences? What is the meaning of marriage?

The definition of friend, spouse, and marriage.

friend

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

spouse (spous, spouz) n.

1. A marriage partner; a husband or wife

marriage (măŕĭj) n.

1. The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife
2. The state of being married; wedlock
3. A close and intimate union

I included marriage because it further defines the role of a spouse and I feel it provides a more complete definition of spouse. When examining the definitions, the first thing that I see is that in the definition of friend, the word intimate is not used nor is any other word that is even related. I feel this is a very important distinction and will become more relevant as we explore this subject. Now us try to answer the above questions.

Are there different types of friends?

When thinking about my experiences I have had more of the #2 definition of friend than any other, through work, church, and other social events. I have also had several of the #3 definition of friend. I can only recall having six friends in my past 49 years that would fit the #1 definition. Out of those six, I no longer have two of them due to a loss of trust. One of them was a childhood friend that I have not seen or spoken to since the sixth grade. I have lost touch with two of them over the years, but when we do occasionally meet or talk, we pick right up where we left off. My last friend is still there and for the most part we are very close, although recent events have damaged that to some degree. I still have hopes that through my willingness to change this relationship can continue and be stronger than it has ever been. I am speaking of my spouse, she has always been my best friend, even though I have many times abused this relationship. But so has she on occasion, although I am to blame for most of them. I think there are tests in every relationship and that true friendships overcome these tests. By exploring this question, it is quite obvious that there are different types of friends. What do you think?

Are all friends to be treated equally, and are friends supposed to be as close or viewed as being on the same level as a spouse, and can you cross the line? If so, what are the consequences?

For purposes of discussion, us only reference the #1 definition of friend to answer this question. In my humble opinion, the short answer is NO, especially when the opposite sex is involved. Why? I have discussed many things with my friends. Politics, religion, family, interests, goals, ambitions, issues with myself, and even marriage. But the one thing that has always been off limits, is my relationship with my spouse. Why? Because that relationship is intimate, and by discussing subjects associated with this type of relationship I would be breaking my spouse’s trust. She may never know (or at least we tell ourselves that), but I would and that is what is important. What is the definition of intimate?

in·ti·mate (ĭńtě-mĭt) adj.

1. Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.
2. Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature: intimate prayers.
3. Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter.
4. Marked by informality and privacy: an intimate nightclub.
5. Very personal; private: an intimate letter.
6. Of or involved in a sexual relationship.

When we discuss intimate subjects with anyone but our spouse we must be careful that we do not cross the line. If we do cross the line, we break our trust with our spouse, and we are inviting our “friend” into an area of our life that they should have no place, especially friends of the opposite sex. This is not to say that we cannot have a serious relationship with our friends, but this is to say that I feel that the relationship with a friend is on a slightly different plane than it is with our spouse. Discussing our "relationship with our spouse" with others could cause us to become confused, and could threaten the relationship with our spouse. I am not talking about discussing marital problems we may be having at the time, I am talking about sharing the intimacy we have with our spouse with others. Most people may think that it is innocent and will cause no harm, but when we take this step, we are spending energy on things that should only be spent with our spouse. This is how the spouse will know. The intimacy with our spouse is being shared with a “friend”. By taking this step we cross the line. According to articles by psychologists, this one thing can be a significant component that leads to extra-marital affairs. If the marriage is drained of the energy and trust that holds it together. It will fail. What do you think?

What is the meaning of marriage?

When we enter into marriage we make vows to each other and only each other. We are best friends, partners, companions, lovers, and we become one. There should be no other person in the world that we should be more interested in. There should be no other person that we share these feelings for. There should be no other person that knows our personal desires, pleasures, needs, wants, inner self, or anything else that could break this bond. Don’t get me wrong, there are problems in marriage, couples often times abuse this bond and the closeness, but this gives us no excuse to break our marriage vows. Problems or issues that arise provide us opportunities to grow stronger as a couple. If the marriage does not work out, it is because one or both of the partners broke this vow. What do you think?

Closing remarks.

It is good to have friends. We should treasure each one. But if we have a good marriage, we should treasure that even more. We should never sacrifice our marriage for a friend, because if this is the cost they are truly not our friend. What do you think?

Quote of the day:

Intimacy is what makes a marriage, not a ceremony, not a piece of paper from the state. – Kathleen Norris

Garza